How Prepared Are You to Deal with Absolute Idiots?

1

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You’re eating out and overhear another patron at this nice, sit-down restaurant tell the server (who’s busting her butt to make everyone happy) that they need a new ice water because this water was...watered down by ice. What would you do?

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Make eye contact with your friends at your table to see if they’d heard what just happened.
Groan inwardly but otherwise ignore the embarrassingly stupid request.
Get the very unclever customer’s attention and tell them to back off and let the server work without additional unnecessarily dumb requests.
Tell your friends what you just saw loud enough for the stupid customer to overhear (and hopefully come to their senses).

2

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You’re hanging out before class and a fellow college students mentions that she doesn’t understand how dogs survive in Spain. You say, “Sorry, what?” And she explains that since dogs respond to commands like Sit and Come and Stay, she doesn’t see how they’d get by in countries that don’t use those words.

She literally thinks dogs know English. And not only that — they only know English. How do you respond in that moment?

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Try to explain to her that dogs learn to respond to how their owners speak. It has nothing to do with what language it’s in.
Stare blankly. You’re at a loss for words.
Ask her if she’s serious until she gets offended and goes off in a huff.
Call a friend over for back up. Someone else can take this one, thank you very much.

3

You’re a barista at a mall coffee shop. The holidays are approaching and every store will be keeping different hours. These are all posted throughout the mall so everyone can see when they can shop where.

It’s busy.

A man walks in and asks you when Bath and Body Works will open. You don’t know. You’re trying to make three drinks for customers right now. You tell him their hours are posted right behind him.

To which he says… “I don’t read signs.”

In this situation, you…

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Ask him what he even means by that. Like…how is that even possible?
Explain that you’re very busy and can’t help right now.
Politely explain again that the information is on that sign that’s 6 feet away. If he wants to know he’ll have to read.
Briefly explain to him, “Well I don’t talk to idiots.”

4

You’re driving at night and ahead of you there’s a cyclist. This is a highway — definitely a no-bike zone. He has no helmet, no lights, not even reflectors. And is that…? Does he…? Yes. He’s got headphones on. How do you respond?

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Drive up next to him, roll down your window, and give him a piece of your mind.
Call the police (carefully with a hands-free device, of course) and let them know there’s a reckless biker on the road.
Ignore. His choices are his choices and he can live (or not) with the consequences.
Hit him. Just a small bump from behind… Nothing too dangerous.

5

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A friend of yours talks to her doctor about some concerns and is advised to change her diet. The doctor suggests a few weeks of fish and vegetables.

Your friend complies, but somehow gains 12 pounds over the next month. How is that possible?

Turns out it’s because her version of a “fish and vegetables” diet was to order the 3-piece meal at the neighborhood fish n chips joint. Every day. For lunch and dinner.

What do you even do?

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Nod your head helplessly as she explains that fries are vegetables.
Attempt to persuade her that deep-frying anything removes its health advantages.
Call her doctor to anonymously to “report” her. I mean, someone has to step in, right?
Tell her she deserves the extra weight and that you hope the heart attack doesn’t hurt too much.

6

You get a text from a coworker: “How do you convert meters to pounds?”

What is your reply?

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“Haha wut”
“I don’t know. Ask Connie.”
“Meters are length. Pounds are weight. They don’t convert to each other.”
“Sure no problem. It’s easy. Take the parameter of the estimated average and multiply the denominator by the extant numerator until the remainder is only divisible by zero unless you first determine it’s the square root of -1.”

7

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You work in customer service at a phone company. A somewhat agitated man calls in and says, “Hey, I left my charger at home by accident and my battery’s almost dead. Can you please send me a charge?” How do you respond?

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“Actually, there’s a cool life hack you should know about. You can recharge your phone by just putting it in the microwave for a minute.”
“What? That’s literally not how it works.”
Be the better person. Politely explain reality.
“No, I’m sorry. We only have the functionality for our customers on our premium plan.”

8

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Your aunt calls in a panic saying that someone has stolen her Facebook account. It’s showing someone else’s name and picture. You talk her down and get the details… Turns out she’s trying to go to her account by typing “your profile” in the search bar.

What do you say to her?

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Start giving a fake explanation but hang up in the middle of your own sentence so she assumes you were disconnected. She calls back. You don’t answer.
“Oh haha. That’s not how you do it. First you need to sign in. Then you’ll see your account.”
“I’m pretty busy. Can you call and ask my brother instead?”
“Oh for crying out loud, Linda. Even grandma uses Facebook better than you.”

9

You’re a nurse at an emergency room. A solar eclipse just happened and you’re starting to get some weird complaints. A few visitors are saying that they covered their eyes to watch the eclipse, and now their eyes are hurting. Like really bad.

What did they cover their eyes with in order to watch the solar eclipse? That’s right — sunscreen.

How do you respond to your idiot patients?

Ready? Scroll down to answer

Imply your disappointment with a facial expression that will make them feel dumb without you getting fired.
Take your lunch break. Let ‘em sweat it out a bit.
Take them to the sink to rinse the sunscreen out. Show them google images of the cut-out box they were actually supposed to use.
Laugh at them and post about it on the internet. Maybe mention it in a silly online quiz.

10

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Your friend’s significant other asks you why Australians don’t fall off the earth since they’re ‘at the bottom of it.’

How do you answer?

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“You’ve never been to Australia. How do you know they don’t fall off the earth?”
“Because that’s not how gravity works, Nimrod. Read a book.”
“Good question. Ask your S.O.”
Immediately seduce them. In a jealous rage your friend will break up with them. Sure they’ll hate your guts, too, but it was worth it. You saved them from pure dumb.

11

You’re working at a car rental agency. A woman gets mad at you for not renting a car to her.

Why aren’t you renting to her? She doesn’t have a license. She doesn’t see why that should matter…

How do you talk her off the ledge?

Ready? Scroll down to answer

Good old-fashioned laugh-to-keep-from crying.
Explain that literally no one is legally allowed to drive without a license.
Tell her you can see her point and you’ll get your manager.
Tell her with a straight face that, ok, she can rent the car, but she can‘t drive it.

12

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You’re volunteering at your kid’s school. They’re watching a nature documentary and a shark eats a seal. A girl in the back asks how they got footage of a dinosaur. How do you respond?

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Ask the offender if she’s friggin serious in front of the whole class.
Make eye contact with the teacher and share a Chrissy-Teigen cringe-grimace.
You don’t respond. It’s the teacher’s job. You’re just here to help.
Bring the incident up with your child later and make fun of the kid together.

13

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You're rolling in to high school one day and notice another kid dropping a dead cat in the parking lot. You tell him that's disgusting. He replies with "well it was already dead when I brought it here". How do you respond?

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“I bet if you kiss it it’ll come back to life”
“Hey, it’s really unsanitary to touch dead animals, you probably shouldn’t do that. Let me call animal control.”

14

You're walking outside during the day with a friend, and you notice that the moon is visible. Your friend sees it too and they say "I love it when I can see the Earth's reflection". What?? What do you say?

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Yeah, in the great big sky mirror.
Did you know that you can see the moon during the daytime?

15

Your friend has a peanut allergy, and you see them snacking on some Reese's Pieces. You ask them why and they say "well it's not peanuts." How do you respond?

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I would take the Reese’s away and explain to them how dangerous it is.
I’d smile and nod and let them keep eating.

16

You're looking at a black and white picture with a friend, who says "I'm glad color was invented. If the world was still black and white it would be pretty boring." How do you even?

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“That’s a really good observation. You should lead with that on first dates.”
“Oh, it’s just that they didn’t know how to take color photos.”

17

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It's election season! You notice someone on your Facebook timeline having a conversation about politics, but it includes the question "Who's the president of Florida?" Oof. Do you jump in and correct them, or no?

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Yes
No

18

Someone in your class comes up to you holding a picture of a penguin and excitedly tells you "I just found out that penguins have eyes!" Can you hold back the laughter or do you bust out right in their face?

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I laugh SO hard.
I manage to hold it back for them.

19

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You're hanging with your hubby and you finish watching a movie. You run to the bathroom and when you come back you see it's running in reverse. You ask why and they say "I'm rewinding the movie." Are you still married?

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Yes
No

20

You're getting into a discussion with some coworkers about wind power, and one of them pipes up and says "If there are too many wind farms we won't have any wind because the turbines will stop it." What do you say next?

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“I can show you some information on how the turbines work. It doesn’t really affect the wind at all.”
“You should probably write to your legislator about that.”

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You’re eating out and overhear another patron at this nice, sit-down restaurant tell the server (who’s busting her butt to make everyone happy) that they need a new ice water because this water was...watered down by ice. What would you do?

You’re driving at night and ahead of you there’s a cyclist. This is a highway — definitely a no-bike zone. He has no helmet, no lights, not even reflectors. And is that…? Does he…? Yes. He’s got headphones on. How do you respond?

You get a text from a coworker: “How do you convert meters to pounds?” What is your reply?

You work in customer service at a phone company. A somewhat agitated man calls in and says, “Hey, I left my charger at home by accident and my battery’s almost dead. Can you please send me a charge?” How do you respond?

Your aunt calls in a panic saying that someone has stolen her Facebook account. It’s showing someone else’s name and picture. You talk her down and get the details… Turns out she’s trying to go to her account by typing “your profile” in the search bar. What do you say to her?

Your friend’s significant other asks you why Australians don’t fall off the earth since they’re ‘at the bottom of it.’ How do you answer?

You’re working at a car rental agency. A woman gets mad at you for not renting a car to her. Why aren’t you renting to her? She doesn’t have a license. She doesn’t see why that should matter… How do you talk her off the ledge?

You’re volunteering at your kid’s school. They’re watching a nature documentary and a shark eats a seal. A girl in the back asks how they got footage of a dinosaur. How do you respond?

You're rolling in to high school one day and notice another kid dropping a dead cat in the parking lot. You tell him that's disgusting. He replies with "well it was already dead when I brought it here". How do you respond?

You're walking outside during the day with a friend, and you notice that the moon is visible. Your friend sees it too and they say "I love it when I can see the Earth's reflection". What?? What do you say?

Your friend has a peanut allergy, and you see them snacking on some Reese's Pieces. You ask them why and they say "well it's not peanuts." How do you respond?

You're looking at a black and white picture with a friend, who says "I'm glad color was invented. If the world was still black and white it would be pretty boring." How do you even?

It's election season! You notice someone on your Facebook timeline having a conversation about politics, but it includes the question "Who's the president of Florida?" Oof. Do you jump in and correct them, or no?

Someone in your class comes up to you holding a picture of a penguin and excitedly tells you "I just found out that penguins have eyes!" Can you hold back the laughter or do you bust out right in their face?

You're hanging with your hubby and you finish watching a movie. You run to the bathroom and when you come back you see it's running in reverse. You ask why and they say "I'm rewinding the movie." Are you still married?

You're getting into a discussion with some coworkers about wind power, and one of them pipes up and says "If there are too many wind farms we won't have any wind because the turbines will stop it." What do you say next?

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You get a text from a coworker: “How do you convert meters to pounds?”

What is your reply?

Your aunt calls in a panic saying that someone has stolen her Facebook account. It’s showing someone else’s name and picture. You talk her down and get the details… Turns out she’s trying to go to her account by typing “your profile” in the search bar.

What do you say to her?

Your friend’s significant other asks you why Australians don’t fall off the earth since they’re ‘at the bottom of it.’

How do you answer?

You’re working at a car rental agency. A woman gets mad at you for not renting a car to her.

Why aren’t you renting to her? She doesn’t have a license. She doesn’t see why that should matter…

How do you talk her off the ledge?